If By Chance You Find Yourself No Longer Human (or Wolf)

{AnnaKarelina}

IF BY CHANCE YOU FIND YOURSELF TURNED INTO A LARGE BUG 

An advice column

by Gregor Samsa

Kindest readers,

If by chance you find yourself turned into a large bug, fear not! Your loving family, who you’ve provided for most thoroughly and kindly in the ways of financial security, a large apartment, and yet-to-be-announced violin schooling for your devoted sister, know that they will repay you in that thoroughness and kindness by seeking the finest medical attention available. They will by no means lock you up and cower so profoundly in their own fear of you as to avoid and ignore you. Your furniture will not be removed from your room (so as to suggest the removal of your identity, how terrible!) If it is moved, it’s merely to allow you more crawlspace as the new giant bug form you’ve acquired seems to enjoy it.

If, on the slight (and off!) chance that they consider you a burden rather than a tragedy in need of assistance, again: fear not! Perhaps your bug form is not so terrible! Though your career as a traveling salesman is surely over (though, who knows? You’ve never missed a sick day and have been an exact and stupendous employee – no worries, your employer will look out for you!) Perhaps you could provide for your family by becoming a side show attraction. A circus act, if you will, where an audience will pay money to see your new form. Degrading, yes, but still providing for your family, which you’ve done so loyally in the past.

But surely it won’t come to that. Surely they’ll find help, and not throw apples at you that will painfully lodge in your back so as to restrict movement. Surely the maid will not clutter your room with forgotten items and trash, or beckon to you like a dog. And surely your sister will not denounce your new bug form as not being you at all, and surely you won’t become so consumed with hopelessness that you’ll lay down and die right there in your unfurnished and trash-filled room. Surely.

Surely.

Wishing you the best,

Your humble advice columnist,

Gregor Samsa